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.Scientists do not yet know the source ofsuch differences, how much is contributed by genetic inheritanceand how much by environment.In all likelihood both play a role.8Later in this chapter I will describe some of my research on peopleknown to be unusually angry.Maxine told me that she did not know ahead of time that she wasgoing to attack David Scott.She thought that she could abuse himverbally and stop at that.But a barrage of verbal abuse can open thedoor, allowing anger to feed on itself and grow, making it more dif-ficult to put on the brakes and prevent a physical attack.During abreak in the sentencing hearing, Maxine explained her attack onDavid Scott to a reporter: "It was just like temporary insanity.I justcouldn't handle it anymore." I asked her if now, when she looksback on it, she still thinks she was insane.Maxine replied, "Yes, Iremember feeling so much hate.The anger was so intense Ididn't even think of the consequences." (Perhaps unexpectedly, Doncondemns himself now for not having attacked David Scott.*)I believe that nearly everyone can prevent acting or speaking whenangry, even when enraged.Note I say nearly, for there are people whoappear unable to control their anger.This may be a lifelong pattern, orthe result of an injury to a particular area of the brain.This does notapply to Maxine; she has always been able to regulate her emotions.Although we may feel impelled to say something nasty or physicallyattack, most of us can choose not to act.A few words may slip out, anarm may wave in the air, but control is possible for nearly everyone.All of us, or nearly all of us, have the choice not to harm, not to beviolent in words or actions.Maxine made the deliberate choice tospeak in the sentencing phase of the trial, and to speak in as strong afashion as she could.She is proud of her hatred, which she still feels.I expect that most people would act violently if it seemed thatsuch actions could prevent the murder of their child, but is thistruly a loss of control? When violence achieves a useful purpose, fewpeople condemn it.It may not be impulsive but carefully planned.Even His Holiness, the Dalai Lama believes that violence in suchcircumstances is justified.9I realize that not everyone, even in such an extreme circumstance,*Don is still suffering from this shattering experience and, in his severe anguish and unrelenting grief,believes he was a coward for not killing David Scott when he had an opportunity to do so in the court-room.He told me that he had been a college wrestler and could have broken Scott's neck on one of themany occasions when he passed by him.I explained to Don that attacking Scott would have been anact of revenge.Not seeking revenge is not cowardice.Cowardice would have been not to act to protecthis daughter when Scott attacked her.I am sure if he had had the opportunity, he would have acted toprotect her.If he feels he is a coward now, it may be because he has not yet really accepted that she isdead; he has not accepted that he could not protect her, because he had no opportunity to do so.would act violently.It can't be that those who wouldn't act have ahigher anger threshold, that a more severe provocation must occurfor them to lose control, since it is hard to conceive of a moreextreme provocation.In my own research, in which I have askedpeople to describe the angriest situation they can imagine anyone inthe world would ever experience, the threat of death to a familymember is mentioned most frequently.Even then, even when actingviolently might prevent the death of a family member, I don'tbelieve everyone would so act.Some might not act out of fear, andsome out of a strongly held value never to be violent.Maxine Kenny's attack on the murderer David Scott is different.It could not prevent the murder of her child; it was revenge.Weunderstand her actions, but most of us would not do that.Every dayparents confront in the courtroom the person who has murderedtheir child, and they do not seek violent retribution.Yet it is hardnot to sympathize with Maxine Kenny, not to feel that she did whatwas right; the offense was so great, the loss so severe.And the manwho raped and murdered her beloved daughter sat there smiling ather! Can any of us be certain that if we were in her shoes we wouldnot have acted as she did?Before meeting Maxine and Don Kenny I had written that hatredis always destructive, but now I am not as convinced.Should wereally expect ourselves not to feel hatred, not to want to hurt some-one who has raped our child, who stabbed her seven times while shetried to defend herself, as the cuts on her hands show, before shedied? Might Maxine's continuing hatred of David Scott not serve auseful purpose in her life, binding her own wounds? Maxine'shatred did not seem to be festering, she was leading her life produc-tively, but she maintained her hatred of David Scott.Most of the time we are not responding to such a severe provoca-tion when we get angry.Yet anger, even intense or violent anger,may occur when the provocation appears to others to be slight.Itmay be a disagreement, a challenge, an insult, a minor frustration.Sometimes we may choose not to exercise control over our anger,not caring about the consequences or, for the moment, not thinkingabout any consequences.Psychologist Carol Tavris,10 who has written an entire book aboutanger, argues that getting your anger out something advocated byother psychologists usually makes matters worse.Carefully review-ing the research, she concludes that suppressed anger "does not, inany predictable or consistent way, make us depressed, produceulcers or hypertension, set us off on food binges, or give us heartattacks.Suppressed anger is unlikely to have medical conse-quences if we feel in control of the situation that is causing theanger, if we interpret the anger as a sign of a grievance to be cor-rected instead of as an emotion to be sullenly protected, and if wefeel committed to the work and people in our lives."11There is a cost to showing our anger.12 Angry actions and angrywords can damage a relationship, momentarily and sometimes per-manently, and often brings about angry retaliation.Even withoutangry actions or angry words, our angry facial expression or tone ofvoice signals the target that we are angry.If that person thenresponds angrily, or with contempt, it may be harder for us to main-tain our own control and avoid a fight.Angry people are not wellliked.Angry children have been found to lose the approval of otherchildren,13 and angry adults are seen as socially unattractive.14I believe we are usually better off when we don't act on our angeror when we do we take care to act in a constructive fashion, in a waythat does not attack the person at whom we are angry [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]